Secrets in a Relationship: Healthy VS. Unhealthy

Secrets in relationships can be damaging depending on the level of trust one has in their partner. There are secrets that are harmless and do not damage the relationship. Sometimes keeping too many secrets from your partner does make your partner have doubts and lose trust. However, keeping one or three secrets from your partner because of safety and protecting your partner can be difficult to discuss with them. Yet, it is recommended to keep some secrets about yourself but not everything from your partner.

Hiding secrets is not a clever thing to do because eventually the secrets will be revealed. Harmless temporary secrets such as surprising your partner for their birthday is considered a healthy relationship secret. Other harmless temporary secrets are saving money to buy a gift for your partner, surprising them with a baby announcement, and things that make them feel happier. Moreover, secrets that do not hurt your partner's emotions and well-being are fine to keep. Healthy relationships that keep temporary secrets can be beneficial to strengthen your relationship. 

As well as keeping secrets that are about your personal finances from your bank account that is not a joint bank account, is fine if your partner knows you have a separate bank account. Your partner does not need to know how much money there is in your personal bank account. Furthermore, communicating with your partner about your individual bank account will not create suspicion and misunderstandings. However, if you do have a joint account, you must share the reasons for taking out the finances and not keep the reasons secret. Nonetheless, communicate with your partner about finances or making a budget plan if you have a joint account.

Other healthy secrets to keep are personal hygiene care, your past romances, and never mentioning your intimacy regarding an ex. Often you might believe that it is necessary for your new partner to know about your past relationships. Yet, giving out too many details about a past relationship can be harmful with your new relationship with someone. Even if you are already in a committed relationship with your partner, jealousy, comparisons, and insecurities with one’s body can arise when someone mentions an ex during a conversation. Depending on the situation and how the person is likely to behave; It is best not to give out too much information about a former lover or former partner.

Keeping some secrets is fine if you do not feel guilt, shame, or feel uncomfortable about not disclosing it to your partner. Unhealthy secrets do cause distrust and make a person feel uneasy. Deep secrets that can make your partner feel anger are the secrets that need to be revealed ahead of time. Always find the right moment to reveal a secret to them and in a secluded area where no one can interrupt you. Also, in a place where your partner does not get distracted and can feel calm.

Yet, secrets that become unhealthy make it uncomfortable and make disagreements. It is recommended to discuss it in a calm manner. Do not wait for your partner to find out through a third party. This can make it complicated and challenging to discuss with your partner especially if there is misinformation. Additionally, hiding secrets such as finances, medical conditions, and things that can hurt both of you is not good for the relationship.

Secrets can be complicated but knowing what to tell your partner or the new person in your relationship can make it easier for them to understand you. Always use your intuition and find a way to tell them without having them hear it from someone else. It is important to be honest and to have open communication between both of you. Second, carefully decide what you want to reveal to your partner or the new person in your relationship. Here is a list of unhealthy secrets that need to be discussed in a committed relationship.

1. Being unfaithful or having emotional unfaithful thoughts.
2. Having an addiction without declaring it to your partner.
3. Seeing someone or having a secret affair with someone.
4. Hiding a disease or an illness from your partner due to rejection, anger, or fear.
5. Not paying some of the household expenses.
6. Borrowing money to a friend without telling them, especially if you are using your joint account.
7. Family issues and job issues that make it difficult for you to discuss.
8. Hiding bank accounts that were never talked about with your partner.
9. Not telling them about seeing a therapist or a new doctor.
10. Changing your job hours to be with someone else that is not your partner.

Address any hidden secrets that need to be disclosed to your partner. Prepare yourself ahead of time. Never reveal secrets before going to sleep or after waking up in the morning. Do not tell them your hidden deep secrets when they are upset with you and when your partner is having a difficult day. Consult with a counselor or a therapist for advice to approach your partner especially if you have a tough time speaking to them.

Keeping unhealthy secrets makes your partner feel hurt, distrustful, and feel anger. Do not make excuses for postponing a difficult conversation with your partner. It is recommended not to accuse your partner and use the word “I” when you want to reveal a secret to them. Do not be offensive when you disclose a secret. Here are websites about tips regarding secrets in a relationship.

Relationship Advice-Privacy and Secrecy-Love at First Fight:

https://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/privacy-secrecy/

Danger of Keeping Secrets in Relationships:

https://www.thewellnesscorner.com/blog/danger-of-keeping-secrets-in-relationships

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