A disorganized
attachment style is a combination of avoiding your partner and being afraid of
losing your partner in your relationship. What is more confusing about this
attachment style is that they push their partner away from them without
realizing how much they are hurting their partner. Whether they are in a
serious relationship or dating their partner for many years, the person with
the disorganized attachment style thinks of himself or herself as not worthy of
their partner’s love. He or she may have low self-esteem or experienced abuse,
neglect, or a lack of physical contact with their previous partners. Despite
this, a person who avoids their partner because of fear of abandonment, fear of
not being loved back, or other fears prevent them from being in a stable
relationship.
From the partner’s
perspective, this leaves them with mixed signals as they do not know how to
approach this subject with them. Usually, a partner in this type of
relationship is left confused, hurt, and not desirable enough for them to be
loved back. While the person with the disorganized attachment style feels their
partner makes them more anxious, depressed, and not good enough for them. Yet,
this type of attachment style does not prevent them to give their partner a
romantic experience with them because they crave a deep connection with
them. After having sexual intimacy with their partner, they will get up and go.
It is possible to be in
a committed relationship with someone with a disorganized attachment style.
However, it takes time for them to feel safe, and comfortable, and to trust their
partner. Moreover, it is recommended to go to therapy to work on changing the
person’s behaviors that provoke them to shove their partner away. Communication
and boundaries are important as well as working on your self-esteem for
yourself and your partner. Learn to listen to your partner with patience, and kindness, and not to put labels on your mind while you are listening to them.
Forgive your partner
and let them know you are there for them. Do not give up on your partner
because of their varied mood changes or their need of wanting to be alone
without you. Although you may feel this type of relationship is
uncontrollable, your partner can work on their self-awareness, self-love,
self-esteem, and techniques for managing their emotions. Learning how to do
self-care and techniques to calm down through mindfulness, journalling,
meditation, and other healthy activities to work on the mixed emotions that
arise throughout the relationship. Carefully communicate with your partner and
make them feel comfortable with you.
Practice
self-acceptance and self-worth through positive affirmations, meditation, and
with loving-kindness, and other recommendations from their therapist. A
disorganized attachment style may become worse when they select a backup
partner because of feeling insecure and lacking trust. Furthermore, these
insecurities make them feel impulsive and do things out of impulse. Do not
attempt to help your partner without professional therapy, counseling, and
behavioral services. Below are links about disorganized attachment style.
The Forgotten Attachment Style-Disorganized Attachment-Psychology Today:
The Forgotten Attachment Style: Disorganized Attachment | Psychology Today
Disorganized attachment style:
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a40079652/disorganized-attachment-style/
50 Dating with Disorganized Attachment:
https://www.karolinawalsh.com/blog/2020/1/6/050-dating-with-disorganized-attachment
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